dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
