At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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