wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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