K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
