his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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