i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
