I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
