I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
