he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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