I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
did i just pee glitter
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
