im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
