I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
