I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
