I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Couch. On fire.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
