Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
