a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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