So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
