did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
