my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
