why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
