I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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