Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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