Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
