I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
