She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
