Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
