Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
