I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
