It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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