She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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