Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
