its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
