i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
