I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
