Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.