I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream