some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?