I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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