My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
