dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
