New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
