you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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