I think my vagina is haunted
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
