He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
