I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
