He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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