Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
