we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
