You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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