she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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