i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
