i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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