just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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