just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
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we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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