if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
