The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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