dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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