"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
